woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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