The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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