my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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