Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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