but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
