well I can't set my house on fire every night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
