Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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