alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
