You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
