now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I checked into jail on foursquare
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Someone came in the potted fern
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
