Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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