The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize