thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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