i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
