just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
