Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
