Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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