talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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