Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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