when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
