Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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