Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
smell my finger.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize