Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
