The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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