tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
