I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
