Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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