some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
