dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize