well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
