which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
