I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my shit smells like andre
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
