I wanna passion pit in your ass
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
