dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
