ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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