My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
