Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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