If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
