Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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