Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
