remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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