Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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