If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
