Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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