It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
