Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
