o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
