Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
