Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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