he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
