I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
