your thong is hanging out like whoa
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
