You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
