Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
