I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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