I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
