I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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