I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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