I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
